Hubby and I have been trying for a baby for 3 years and 6 months. I won’t bore you as to why, the point is I’m not pregnant and I want to be pregnant, but I’m utterly fed up being so serious about it. I can’t be the only one out there facing the Mum-pressure, the clichés, the lovely well wishers we’d actually like to just shut up and the mind bending medical side of it all …. Anyone? Anyone at all…? Just me then…

I’m about 6 days in to my monthly “2 week wait” so naturally I am hawkishly monitoring my body for any flicker of a sign that this month will be different. As it happens, I have had already experienced every common pregnancy symptom known to woman with the massive exception of missing a period and actually being pregnant (Psychosomatic? No, YOU’RE psychosomatic…)  Who decided that the feelings for pregnancy and period should be the same?! That’s just not fair.

Having already mined every mother friend of mine for an exhaustive list of their early pregnancy symptoms until they stop taking my calls, it was inevitable that I would eventually find myself of a Trying to Conceive Forum. On one friend’s advice, I tried to stay away from them but, well, it was always going to happen eventually. And *controversy alert* I agree with that friend- not altogether a healthy pursuit for the wee small hours. 

Now I know lots of people find forums to be a life line in a sea of loneliness and I do get that. Like Social Media, it is all down to what you get out of it. Personally however, I tend not to feel better having spent time on one.  Firstly, there’s the code: AF, DH, BFP, TTC, BFN, DPO, TWW, TTFN, BYOB, G&T… ok not all of those are real forum jargon…but for me the acronyms further heightened my sense of exclusion from the special club. Not only do I have to learn obscure attributes about my body Sex-Ed never hinted at, but I have to get my head around a whole other language to unlock the precious get-pregnant key and access the secrets of the forum mums.

Could it be said that forums unintentionally peddle Hope to already desperate Hope junkies? When I google “my left toe aches slightly, AM I PREGNANT?” I know that eventually I will find someone, somewhere who has written “I know it sounds weird but…. You know what, on 6DPO my left toe ached slightly and I KNEW I WAS PREGNANT.” It’s only on page 89 of your search and for a day or so it gives you hope. The sensible answer is a) you may have gout, see your doctor or b) “you should take a pregnancy test hun”.

But my response to a) and particularly b) is NO! I want to be like the pregnancy induced achey-toe girl, SHE KNEW! I don’t want your sensible response. I prefer to disregard you and live in Hope’s come-down, Denial, for a little bit longer.

Therein lies the rub. When I’m on a forum, I’m looking for a response that mainstream science based material doesn’t give me, or rather doesn’t tell me what I want to hear. I’m unsure this is good thing… In real life we might disregard a bizarre suggestion as harmless. But late at night on a forum you might not be so mentally selective. An Ultrasound technician once told me one patient had tried splashing her delicate lady parts with vinegar after sex to have a baby boy…. I wish I was joking.

Ok. Alright.  I know. I’ve picked a weird extreme example. On a more pedestrian level, we all know of 101 examples where science and doctors have said “X”  and then “Y” happened, people being told “no way will this ever happen” to then get pregnant straight away after the finality of that conversation. And being in such an emotional state, hearing stories of the possible brings promise of your own miracle and that helps keep us going. (That, and wine, speaking personally…) So dose me up with another hit of Hope, I can totally quit any time I like…

Nicola PSB4 Comments